Ok, Apologies! This is an apology to those offended by homo-erotic pictures. I posted my porn pic for Queran as my featured Deviant on my page. i did this because of the mods taking down her pic becuase they are retarded. So I just want to give em the finger and make sure that they understand the difference between a penis that "seems" erect, and a penis being erect while its owner is fucked in the asshole. So again, sorry if my front page offends you.

I'm sick and tired of stress. People stress me out, work stresses me out, my family stresses me out and I'm just sitting here, a big ball of stress and frustration. GAH! I'm sick of it! I'm tired of being confused and stressed and being a fucking pussy. I'm not a pussy and I wish I could reel everything in like I used to. It's just fucking bull crap. It's bull crap that there are three million fucking unnecessary fucking steps you need to take. It's irritating and I feel like chewing off my own legs. I'm sick of frustrating myself and spending countless hours sitting alone and wondering. Have I made the right choices? Am I a good enough person? Do such and such like me? Have I been a bitch? Do I have reasoning? Am I just trying to get by on life doing nothing and making excuses? I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of thinking I'm not good enough. I'm sick of pitying myself. I'm sick of having to put on a fake fucking facade of cheerfulness when all I want to do is scream, cry, or just be unhappy! I'm tired. I'm just fucking tired. I hate avoiding subjects, but I have to because it hurts. It just fucking hurts too much to talk about them. I'm tired of waking up happy and going to sleep depressed. I'm tired of riding an emotional roller coaster that leads me no where. I'm tired of feeling envious of others, I'm sick and tired of feel inferior. I don't have the confidence to be proud, but I fucking well try. I'm not strong, I want to be, but I'm not. I'm tired of relying on others, but I don't have the strength. I'm sick, tired, frustrated and lost and I hate it and sometimes I hate myself.

But it's ok. Things will work out right? One foot in front of the other. Don't look back, even though all I can find myself doing is looking back; looking back and just sobbing. But I have to learn to look forward, one day at a time. One moment between the next. I'm trying.

Sorry guys, I'm cranky, tired and my eyes feel physically abused. Just wanted to vent a little and I did. Gah~ Stupid lack of sleep turning me into a balls of knots and stress. 'Til next month..... hopefully this won't happen again XD

Let's see.....November, nothing. December? Nothing. Welcome to January! Lolz, I totally neglected this thing. I've been neglecting a lot of thing on-line for a while. I guess a combo of uber-work, reading, semi-drawing and going out has lead up to my two/three months of absence on dA. I've been looking at soem journals and artwork from time to time, but ugh....I feel like a neglectful mother, lol. Has much happened in the time I've been away, yes. Is there much to report on this thing? Possibly. The last time I wrote in this thing I had just gotten my laptop...which I've dropped twice now...fuck. It's still good and I'm rather happy with it. It's my new baby.

I've rekindled my love for FF by replaying FF10. I'm not really anticipating the release of the new FF. My thoery is this, as FF progresses it has amazing graphics and the fighting system gets better and possibly more complicated, yet, the plot and some characters suffer. The plot for FF12 is so political and can be overbearing and boring, but great graphics and I rather like the battle system, htough it takes a while to get used to. The characters are eh. The main character is BORING while most of the sub characters are interesting, it's weird. whatever. Not the point of this journal.

Do not mention Avatar. Just a warning to all, if you plan on telling me that you've seen Avatar and want me to join the craze, i may just ignore you for a month. I'm sick of hearing about it and just wanted to give a quick warning.

Halloween? AWESOME! I worked in the morning but the night was awesome. I dressed like a night walker apparently, but trick-or-treating with the gang was AWESOME. I loved it despite my sore feet and I got to travel in the back of a truck for the first time. XD I loved Halloween.

Thanksgiving? I ate, a lot. My mom made an AMAZING flan and yes. It was all sorts of awesome, despite the fact that I had to work the night before. Did anything happen in the weeks in between? If something besides work happened I don't remember.

Christmas? I worked Christmas Eve and came home to an awesome dinner. It was all around yummy, with yet another AMAZING flan. And then I think I knocked out. On Christmas morning, it was fun. I ended up getting new shoes (That I had to exchange yesterday for a smaller size, lol) Pants, 2 puzzles, bed sheets, perfume (CoCo Mademoiselle by Chanel, from Dax's mom. DX I felt so bad she sepnt so much on me!) A new rosary (mine broke, and this one was from Italy, and it's blue and I love it!) and delicious gift cards and money. The best gift? It was from my BF and my mother....they gave me the whole series of Queer as Folk. Seasons 1-6. The whole thing. I get teary-eyed just thinking about it. I just finished Season 1 and God! I had forgotten how AMAZING QAF is. Even if you don't like gay people or don't care to watch moment of gay intercourse or you are just sick with my need to do anythig that involves gay people, you have to watch QAF. It's just too good with character and plot and acting! God it's worth evey minute. Back to the subject at hand, I ended going to Queran's house and sleeping over with Midana. Somehow I konked out first (that never happens! I'm usually the one everyone is telling to shut the fuck up and go to sleep) And woke up first too, lol. Apparently, when Queran and Midana were awake and working out sleeping arrangements since I had stolen a bed, I had woken up, sat up, looked Queran in the eye and had a short conversation....I have absolutely no recollection of that, none. Nothing. Not even blurs of memory. It's weird. Whatever. We watched a AR movie, which somehow I slept through without realizing.

New years? I worked both the Eve and the Day. Lol, but it was ok. On the Eve I went with my parents and my sister (and brother-in-law) to Key Biscayne. OMG the hilarity that ensued. Let me just tell you, my father had a fishing rod and was casting lit-up firworks into the water. My sister has pictures and it's just so funny and awesome. We ended up missing the new year. Yeah. We were sitting around talking so much crap that we looked out and saw the firworks going off and we were like "When did the countdown happen?" LOL. It was great.

Today? Well....There's a lot going on in my mind and I'm slowly trying to evaluate me life in a way. I can't explain it. Things are happening within my family that has me semi-stressed and sad really, just really sad. I told Queran about it and only request that she doesn't talk about it to anyone. I told her because I needed to vent with someone outside the family and I trust her the most. Otherwise, by request of my family it needs to stay within the family. Sorry to those who are curious, when the time becomes appropiate to tell you, I will. Otherwise I'm just pensive. My BF has been playing the guitar lately and it's made me wonder if I should relearn it. I found out ti was difficult for me to learn it because my guitar is just really difficult to play. LOL. XD I was a beginner on a expert guitar. Will I change my guitar to learn on an easier one? No. I'm no pussy. Or at least I'm not willing to lie down and act like a wuss. lolz. I've thought of the piano and just music in general. Music just a part of me in a way. It soothes me, moves me, inspires me. I want to be a part of it a little more, but I just can't find the right medium. Maybe I'm trying to rush myself to find the right medium, I don't know. Dance comes to mind, but I have two left feet despite my dancer's legs. LOL. Whatever. I'll figure everything as paths open up to me and present themselves.

Creatively? I feel like my art is progessing. I definately have more of a command over proportion and body structure. I'm even getting a little better at faces, but my trademark of making long faces will never fade. Sorry to those who thought I would eventually shorten the length of faces I draw, no such luck. I like it as my personal little signature to my artwork. Have I done anything on my tablet? No. But I do have plans to blow off the dust and just practice with it a bunch. Maybe that will be my goal in the upcoming weeks. Hours of fun (fustration) on my tablet. At the moment I just feel like drawing familiar characters. Aubrey and Danny refuse to leave me alone...they seem to want to make Benjy their drummer. LOL. I like the idea of an all male band, but the stories just conflict! How can I have a band when the drummer is mystically transported to a forest full of elves? XD. We'll see if they stop irritating me. I want to write about Aubrey still. He interests me so much. I don't think he'll ever stop interesting me. I still think about the RP I want to start without Queran....maybe when I think of a name for said emo-boy I'll pick up the courage to look for an rp partner. MAYBE.

Is there much else to say? With this new year, I start it by loving myself. I no longer miss who I was, only the passion I had. I like who I am now, despite how flawed I am....and it feels good to say that. I hope if you don't already, you can say that about yourselves.

PEACE BITCHES!

So yet another month has flown away....aw. What has happened? Hrm. I keep on buying books....it's becoming unhealthy....so many books! I need a new book shelf....I keep on pilimh my books on the floor, lolz. I got new piercings on my ears! They keep getting mild infections though....stupid healing process. But they look pretty and it makes me happy. ^^ Hopefully next yer when my boyfriend gets his first tat I'll get a few more. That'll be hella fun~ Moving along, I've been hanging out with Dani and Jose more which is making me happy. I was feeling so disconnected from the people I love and it was making me a little sad. but now I see them almost every week and it's keeping me really happy~! I even get to see Queran sometimes and that always cheers me up. We just need to find times where all three of us can be happy together.....that won't happen often until I start driving.... or we all take a class at MDC. LOLZ! But yeah, it has really warmed my heart and stuff....all thanks to my little boyfriend who plays soccer and doesn't want me to be alone. He's really a sweetheart. Anything else? Work is the same bull.... I just cn't skip out any days or anything or I won't get insurance....and in this time of economic lows, insurance is a must-have. So I've been working my butt off and hopefully when christmas comes around I can get a few extra hours and pull some overtime to get my insurance. Stupid system. They changed the whole system, it used to be that you only had to work 1000 hours to get insurance. That's good for part-timers like me, because not everyone get 30+ hours like me and they cut hours a lot anyway so for the most part, it worked. Then they changed it! You now have to work 1500 hours to get insurance. Meaning, if you work less than 28 hours a week you won't meet 1500. And they keep cutting people's hours! Luckily they haven't cut mine severely or anything and I'm staying around the 30 hour range so I'm ok, but god. I basically can't take time off. If I do I have the chance of not getting insurance. It's fucking bullshit and it's not fair for the people who only work part-time. But whatever. Sorry, I needed to rant that because it fustrates me.

Moving right along from the angry rant, I like legos. My boyfriend has made me realize this. We keep on doing legos together and it's really fun! I never thought I would like legos so much, but somehow I do. What I really want to do is buy at 15000+ piece set that makes the Batmobile. After that I want to tackle the 30000+piece set of the taj mahal! XD Hours of fun with little blocks.

In other news, I bought a new laptop. It has Vista but I haven't had any issues with it. I guess they fixed the bugs with vista and it's no longer a pain in the ass. yay! XD The only issue I have with the laptop is that the screen is huge. My old screen was like 14", this one is like 15.6". If that doesn't look like a big difference, then you're silly. Because i feel it and it's like...woah. XD. The keys are all in the wrong place compared to what I was used to....and there's a full number pad....it's weird! I haven't used a full keyboard in for ever and it's slightly awkward. When I type I'm always off by one letter. lol.

Anything else in my life? Not really....I miss Jaye. The end.

Creatively? Hrm. I keep drawing. I have this little emo-not so emo-boy-demon-person that I keep on drawing. I want him in an RP outside of Queran....but I'm scared of a bad writer....and I'm a pussy. XD I will eventually request a seme for him...but not just yet. He's fun to draw. Somehow....this little boy who is just this minor person....gets me to draw this elaborate freaking outfits with detail and whatnot.....dammit! Someone like Kae who is a fucking prince doesn't get elaborate outfits...stupid brain.... But yeah, he's fun to draw....just because I don't have to draw his eyes! Lol....bu tI think it makes his character more interesting....or I'm just biased. I wanted to do a Halloween pic....because I mentioned an idea for Queran's Halloween pic. I told her to do her Methhead as a Zombie...lolz! If she did that I would do Iyt as a skeleton....though I've found this task much harder than expected. I know how he's going to look what he's going to wear....the body position isn't definite....it keeps changing on me... and it's rather annoying. I still keep trying to figure out woman proportions and body shapes so I can do that freaking commish....but it's a bit difficult. I've finally become more aware of the differences with female and male body positions and stances and whatnot...but it's just a long process....I feel like a somewhat of a failur to my coworker. He sees that I draw, but I just can't get around to doing that commish. I dissappoint myself and I feel like I dissappoint him. We'll see how it turns out int he end. Anything else to report?

I am struggling with the stupid RPs again. The words are being difficult. I am so out of practice when it comes to writing sex hat it feels awkward again. Ugh... I hate that! We'll see what happens.....I'm trying my best by writing one sentence a day...but I'm forcing it and it's not clear in my head....It may just be the anticipation of writing about Iyt sucking off Ami....lol! no. Otherwise when it comes to my personal writing....I keep thinking of Aubrey. I feel the need to write something, anything in his perspective but it's difficult. He's such a complicated boy. Not just emotionally but with his beliefs too. He acts somewhat like me, free spirit, free of religion...but at the same time he's not that free. He had to learn about Islam and how to e a proper Muslim due to his Father's last will and testament...so he still has those guidelines....one issue, I know jack shit about Islam other thann it's one of the three major religions and that Muslims fascinate me. I would need to research Islam before I can touch the delicacy of Aubrey's mind..... But I promised myself that I would study the bible and christianity (because it is what governs some of my family) before I went on the other religions.....but I really don't want to read the bible. And there's so much to it. The old testament, the new testament...then all the scrolls deemed heresy. I really want to read those as well. and just ugh....I complicate everything....and feel the need to type it apparently. lol.

I just want to open a small window to my mind to those who actually sit down and read my bullshit....and the window has some pretty wiolent winds....lol!

I think I'll end it here before my brain explodes....plus I need to clean.

Much love to all....and like....stuff. Go away.

It's time for a update!

Wow, A month has passed in a flash. What have I done? Read. Really. I spent two weeks just sitting on my arse, going to work, and reading a book. I finished Magebound (~Just as delicious as I remember *fuzzy feelings*) and I am now reading comic books like always as well as a fun little book I ordered online that I thought I wasn't going to like, but it has turned out to be rather pleasant. A bit fast paced whenit comes to the relationship, but it had to have some bad point somewhere. Anyway....I totally didn't buy a Marvel comic book because I knew one of the characters is bisexual! What are you talking about?!?....The comic book was good though and I wish to read volume 2. Work is the same crap. People are irritating as always but whatever.

I got a bank account! Finally. Geez~ Now I just need to set up my paycheck as a direct deposit and I'm good~. It was weird, but exciting and a step forewar towards my future....I guess. Driving-wise....I changed lanes for the first time and nearly crashed, lol! Yea, I'm not the best driver, but I'm trying to get there. That's what matters right? Anything else going on in my life? I made muffins with Queran~ XD

Creatively speaking? Hmmm, let's see. When it comes to writing all I have been doing is working on the RPs between Queran and me. I joined a forum she's on and maybe I'll get rid of my shyness and RP with other people to get my creative juices flowing....or not. LOL. As you can see I actually posted up some fiction! Le Gasp. Yea, I dunno, just the scene of Danny piercing Aubrey's ears flashed into my head and wouldn't leave me so that's how that crap happened. The band story is still a bunch of fuzz in my head that doesn't go away, so we'll see what happens with that odd group.

Oh! Expect two more works of fiction. I wrote two stories way back in high school when I was thinking of my great fiction series 'Disconvery' and the theme sorta has to do with Queran's contests thinger. I just need to re-type them and post them up. One is a dream while the other is just a sorta coming out of the closet, but not really. They both have to deal with my crossdresser Alexander, who I don't know if I've ever mentioned, but I love him. He's a strange little boy with lots of problems with himself due to his family, religion and society in general. He is a crossdresser, not a trans. He does not wish to be a woman physically, but only wishes to portray himself as one to the outside world so he isn't judged. Just a fair warning to those who will read it and think he is trans. He's not, plain and simple. Though, making a trans would be fun.....

Drawing? Actually yes. After two and a half weeks of pure reading I sat down yesterday (on the phone with Queran) and drew a Proportionally odd couple....because I do NOT have an obsession with that. XD I still have yet to finish that commish and I need to work on Midana's birthday picture....if I ever figure out what I'm going to draw....sorry~ Otherwise, I think my art is starting to improve....a bit.....I'm just 2% better at proportions in general....lolzXD I'll get there....eventually.

Anything else to report for the month? I like chocolate...That's about all......